The Penis Survival Guide: From Chafing to ‘Morning Glory’

1. Chafing: The Silent Enemy

Why it happens: Friction (sex, workouts, tight underwear) + sweat = angry skin.
Fix it:

• Lube is your friend (silicone-based for long sessions).
• Swap cotton for moisture-wicking boxer briefs (try Saxx or BN3TH).
• Heal it fast: Apply aloe vera + coconut oil (skip scented lotions—they burn).

2. The Zipper Incident (We’ve All Been There)

If trapped:

• DON’T PANIC. Slowly reverse the zipper.
• If stuck: Use wire cutters (yes, really) or ice to reduce swelling.
  Prevention: Wear underwear with a fly guard (or go commando at your own risk).

3. “Rug Burn” Down There

From: Overzealous handjobs, thigh-rubbing, or cheap condoms.
Soothe it:

• Cool compress (10 mins).
• Hydrocortisone cream (0.5%, not near the tip).
• Next time: More lube, slower pace.

🌅 Chapter 2: Morning Glory—The Science of Unwanted Boners

Why Does It Happen?

• REM sleep = increased blood flow.
• Full bladder presses on pelvic nerves.
• Testosterone peaks at dawn.

How to Make It Go Away (Fast)

• Flex your thighs (redirects blood flow).
• Cold water splash (works 60% of the time, every time).
• Math problems (seriously—distract your brain).

When to Worry:

If erections last 4+ hours (priapism—ER immediately).

⚔️ Chapter 3: Battle Scars (Bumps, Curves & Strange Textures)

“Is This Normal?” Cheat Sheet

💦 Chapter 4: Performance Anxiety First Aid

Quick Fixes for “Stage Fright”

• Breathe deeply (activates parasympathetic nervous system).
• Focus on sensations (not “am I hard enough?”).
• Try a cock ring (helps maintain blood flow).

Long-Term Solutions:

• Cardio (better blood flow = better erections).
• Pelvic floor exercises (Kegels aren’t just for women).

🔬 Chapter 5: Bizarre But True Penis Facts

• The average erection is 5.16 inches (but porn lies—most partners care more about how you use it).
• Precum can contain sperm (pull-out method = risky).
• Penis fractures are real (hear that pop? Hospital. Now.).

📝 Final Exam: Your Penis Maintenance Checklist

✅ Wash daily (warm water, mild soap—no scrubbing).
✅ Check for changes (new bumps? Discoloration?).
✅ Hydrate (better blood flow = better function).
✅ Communicate (if something feels off, see a doctor—no shame).

“Your penis is a high-performance vehicle. Treat it like one.”
— Bedside Scholar

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